Nightmare

No, this post isn't about Halloween. : /

I was talking to a friend about a situation where she feels like someone else has control over her life & another friend who is trying to have control over someone else's life. This is what I shared with both of them.

I used to have this dream ALL the time when I was a kid. I don't think my parents realized the Evening News 'body count' coming out of the Vietnam War every night was having such an effect on me.

Anyway, the dream was of me running through some rice paddies, in the front door of a shack, out the back door, in the back door of the next & down the line of shacks, with an Asian man following me with a machine gun. When I got to the last shack, there was no back door & I was left cowering in the corner as he came in the front door & pointed his gun at me. Then I would wake up. It was absolutely terrifying.

I had the dream frequently from about age 10 until I was around 30. I was facilitating a workshop at one time about working through dreams using Drama Therapy. We were reenacting our dreams as a partner witnessed us & my partner made a very simple, yet profound suggestion to me when I was through. He told me to reenact the dream again, but this time instead of being the victim, become the guy with the machine gun. In other words, CHANGE MY PERSPECTIVE. I never had the dream again.

The friend who wanted to write a letter to change someone else's behavior? I told her to go ahead & write the letter, but to write it for HERSELF, meaning, that as long as she was writing the letter without ANY EXPECTATION of a reaction or outcome that involved the other person & she was writing it because there was something she needed to express for HERSELF to make HERSELF feel better, that was fine. In fact, expressing her rage, disappointment, sadness or whatever was a good thing & she might not even need to send it after she was through.

We all know there is absolutely NO WAY we're going to change someone. We CAN however work through our feelings by writing them out OR through drama, art, music or whatever works for us. Ultimately, forgiveness & letting go is the only thing that REALLY works, but we each have to find our own way to get there, in our time. 

My Mary Miracles

Donna, my dear friend, sent me this little Mary, some crystals & a pocket Rosary a while ago & did I need it! I'm a firm believer some items don't sell on Etsy because they are meant for someone special. Donna & I know this, so I got her Mary brooch & she got my Bamboo cross, which she painted the perfect colors for her & put in her lovely kitchen.

Anyway, at the beginning of this month I was SO broke I was just plain scared & tied up in knots. I had just paid off the rest of my September rent plus overdue bills that couldn't wait & there was nothing left. Then I went to my lawyer, (he's representing me in a lawsuit from a job I was illegally laid off from 2 years ago), & his $400 consult fee check bounced before I could get ANOTHER loan from my parents in to the bank. I was beyond embarrassed.

When I got home from meeting him, I randomly applied for ANOTHER teaching job I assumed I wouldn't get & that night I literally got down on my knees & cried, "MARY! PLEASE! I CAN'T TAKE THIS ANYMORE! I NEED HELP! PLEEEAAAAASSSSEE!"

Things slowly started to change. I felt a loosening of my 'anger grip' on the old college & received an e-mail from the one where I had applied, asking me to meet with them. Then sales on Etsy & Amazon started picking up, fast. I drove to the interview & although I nearly blew a worn tire right off its rim on the way, I still made it on time & the friendly woman I met with pretty much told me our meeting was just a formality & she would ask the Dean to sign off on my application!

AND as of today, I have sold over $800 worth of art, supplies & books on Etsy & Amazon & the month 'ain't' even over yet! : >

Forgiveness. Piety. Strength. One foot in front of the other. Prayer. MARY. THANK YOU!! xoxoxo

MY Life Could Be Movie! : /

Indie Comedy, Drama, Soap Opera..... you name it; GOT IT HERE!

And that's just one week! Started out completely stressed & sleep deprived on Monday; hadn't paid my rent yet this month, sales were slumped on Etsy. Tuesday, slightly MORE sleep deprived & nervous about first faculty job interview I'd had in a year since being laid off; took the half hour ferry ride on a gloriously sunny day, got off & blew out a tire almost off the rim a few miles down the road. Luckily I was in front of a farmhouse & an old guy helped me change it & I got to the interview with minutes to spare. Looks like I have the job, YEAH; get home & find I need 2 tires & an alignment for $268! EEK! Now I have to find MORE $$! Tell my dad I'm quitting my old job to get at my pension so I can pay basic living expenses; he offers to send money, YEAH; & what's this?! TWELVE SALES on Etsy & Amazon this WEEK! Hmmm; things are LOOKING UP! : >

Today, Friday, I am just HEARTBROKEN again. A developmentally disabled girl, originally from Port Angeles, which is about an hour away from here, was murdered this week. She was 24, with the capacity of a 12 year old & a 'family friend' of the 22 year old kid who killed her & his girlfriend who helped him to cover it up.  I don't blame the parents, OF COURSE, but I am having doubts that she should have been allowed to travel from her new home to Port Angeles to visit & back again on a bus. I don't know the answer to this level of independence for this girl. My son who is 12, but  developmentally around the age of 7 to 9, just got an ankle GPS monitor this week in case he gets lost & the police have to find him. Of course we never DREAM that someone who is so trusting would ever NEED this, but thank God he has it.

Artists ARE in Their RIGHT MINDS!

"Ia Orana Maria" (Ave Maria) Assemblage

Living in Mataiea Village in Tahiti, Gaugin painted "Ia Orana Maria" (Ave Maria) and other depictions of Tahitian life. His works of that period are full of quasi-religious symbolism & an exoticized view of the inhabitants of Polynesia. In Polynesia, he sided with the native peoples, clashing often with the colonial authorities and with the Catholic Church.

The Idea Behind This Work is Even as Gaugin Lived a Questionable Life Exploiting Women & Alcohol, He Remained Capable of Creating Extraordinary Spiritually Minded Outsider Art for the time & Defending the People He Painted.

Just LOVE IT!

I wrote a blog post earlier about putting myself through college using the first MAC, affectionately pictured above. Steve Jobs passed away at age 56 today, just 3 years older then me. As a tribute, I'm putting a link here to a Commencement Address he gave over 5 years ago. It's surprising & inspiring! 

 

Sally Potter: Movie Director

I just watched The Man Who Cried by Sally Potter & was reintroduced to another favorite director, Sally Potter. She is most famous for her movie Orlando, but also directed other favorites like YES & The Tango Lesson. The clip above features her in the lead role, directing herself. So far, I have loved ALL of her films.

http://www.sallypotter.com/ 

Words I LIVE By

Is Graffiti Art?

"Art on the streets of Buenos Aires is generally very well received by neighbors who often give their walls for artistic intervention. Artists get to share their art with the right audience with the true intention of beautifying & recycling the great potential of abandoned & disused walls that would otherwise fall into the hands of ugly political graffiti or advertising pamphlets that pollute visually."

The Shot Seen Round the World

Age 12

Age 30

Etsy Wheelin' & Dealin'

I was looking at a Mary's Grace's discussion, (a team I participate in) & a question came up about inquiries from customers to buy wholesale. I said I've only been asked to do this with my furniture & I am happy to discount slightly for more then one chair, as an example, but I'm going to send them AS I MAKE THEM & no two will ever be alike. I also do bulk orders on my Art switch plates & will do several for a house & discount those. I'm sure you've heard about people receiving unique items & then using cheap labor to copy them, undercutting the originator's business & it seems worth it to mention this phenomena here. All of my requests have come from the states. I personally wouldn't do wholesale for anyone overseas unless I was SURE what I was getting into. ASK! If they are legitimate, they will give you their website or what company they are working with. If they are hesitant or intuitively you don't feel good about it in GUT, don't do it.

I'll tell you what ticks me off while we're on the subject. Folks who tell me, 'I'm a poor student doing a school project, etc., so can I have this for 1/2 price or FREE? Sure. Let me get right on that. I don't know about you, but I supplement my income with this & work VERY hard on my Etsy business. Sure, I have a few friends that I do trades with, because we trust each other & it's FUN! However, if someone's just asking for something for free & not willing to make it worth my while by trading something back, 'forget about it'!

My Altar Thanks to Donna, Shayna, Vanita & Laura! : >

The Medieval Black Madonna

This is a Black Madonna Assemblage of mine In Vintage & Rustic Wooden Tool Chest. My Interpretation of Black Madonna is Within The Context of an Early European Church Influence. She has been a Consistent Part of Veneration in 25 Countries, Including the U.S., Which Brings With it an Early Spanish/Mexican Influence here as it Does in Medieval Europe. I See Her Connection to Earth, Goddess, Altar & Shrine & also Tired Catholic Interpretation; Hunched Over From the Weight of Ideological Crown & Robes. YES, the COBWEBS are on Purpose! 14.5 x 5 x 5 inches deep.


 'A link between Black Madonna of European Middle Ages ancient pagan traditions & representations has been asserted & although no direct Catholic theological sources exist, it has also been suggested that medieval veneration of the Black Madonna was in response to a line from Song of Songs 1:5 in the Old Testament: "I am black And Beautiful, O daughters of Jerusalem, ..." These words are discussed at length by St Bernard of Clairvaux, although he uses them to refer not to Mary but to the Catholic Church. Several surviving Black Madonnas are inscribed with these words, although in some cases inscriptions were added at a later date.

    * Some claim the Black Madonna grew out of pre-Christian earth goddess traditions. Their dark skin may be associated with ancient images & with the color of fertile earth. Sometimes associated with stories of being found by chance in a natural setting: in a tree or by a spring, for example. It is further asserted that some of their Christian shrines are located on the sites of earlier temples to Cybele & Diana of Ephesus.
    *  Black Madonna may derive from the Egyptian goddess Isis. The dark skin may echo an African archetypal mother figure. Early Christian pictures of a seated mother & child were influenced by images of Isis & Horus & slashes on the cheek of the Black Madonna of Częstochowa represent markings of the Eye of Horus.
    * The Black Madonna may portray the original skin tone of the Virgin Mary, thus placing the figures in apt historical contexts, as Jesus' family was more likely than not to have Semitic colors and features.
    * Black Madonnas express a feminine power that is not fully conveyed by a pale-skinned Mary, whom they assert symbolizes gentler qualities like obedience and purity. The "feminine power" approach is sometimes linked to female sexuality, which was allegedly repressed by the medieval Church.
    * May be an association with Black Madonnas, The Templars &  St. Bernard of Clairvaux. They were revered by an esoteric cult with Templar and Cathar links, but this idea is dismissed by most historians, who also reject stories of connections with Mary Magdalene & Gnosticism.

A Virgin

Abbott Handerson Thayer (Aug. 12, 1849 – May 29, 1921) was an American artist who was often described as 'eccentric & mercurial' was "a parallel contradictory mixture of academic tradition, spontaneity & improvisation in his artistic methods." Largely known as a painter of 'ideal figures' in which he portrayed women as virtuous, (in flowing white tunics or equipped with angel's wings), at the same time he was using methods that were unorthodox, like purposely mixing dirt into paint or using a broom instead of a brush to lessen rigidity.

Life became almost unbearable for Thayer & his wife during the early 1880s, when two of their small children died unexpectedly a year apart. It was around this time that he painted A Virgin, portraying Mary as strong & resolute, walking stoically towards the viewer with a child flanking each side. It's hard not to imagine the representation of the protective Mother of ALL children here, especially his own. This has long been my favorite painting of Mary; well before I read Thayer's troubled story. Her grounded youth is evident; a young yet mature teen at the time of the 'immaculate conception'.* Her hair flies around her as she hurries forward with the resolution required for the difficult tasks that surely lay ahead.

In my assemblage piece, The Virgin, I created a  portrait instead, blocking out the cold clouds & bringing in the more peaceful, vibrant scenes of the Mediterranean. This time Mary is flanked by Roman columns & flowers instead of children however; reminding us of the STILL dismissive & rigid patriarchy surrounding her & ALL women then until now.

* The first known use of virgin in ENGLISH comes from an Anglo Saxon manuscript c. 1200: "Ðar haueð... martirs and confessors, and uirgines maked faier bode inne to women", LONG AFTER the Gnostic Gospels were written. The word virgin comes via virgine from Latin virgo, genitive, virgin-is, meaning literally "maiden" or "young girl". The Latin word probably arose based on vireo, meaning "to be green, fresh or flourishing", mostly with botanic reference—in particular, virga meaning "strip of wood".  There also is no evidence of the term "immaculate conception" until well into the fifth century AD).

Moon Museum

The Moon Museum was a small ceramic wafer three-quarter inch by half inch in size with tiny art works by six prominent artists from the late 1960's; Robert Rausenburg, David Nouvos, John Chamberlain, Forrest Myers & Andy Warhol. The wafer was supposedly attached to a leg of the Intrepid Landing Module & left on the moon during Apollo 12 where it remains today. 'Moon Museum' is considered the first space Art object. While it is impossible to tell if the Moon Museum is actually on the moon without sending another mission to look, many other personal effects were smuggled onto the Apollo 12 lander & hidden in layers of gold blankets that wrapped parts of the spacecraft.

United 93 & The Man Who Knew

I've been thinking a lot about 9/11, most likely because the 10th anniversary is approaching, which I must also say friggin' blows my mind. Ten years ago? How is that possible?

Two memories I'll share here & hope you'll also share yours in Comments. The first is I wake up & walk down the hall to see the T.V. on, without sound,  around 9am. Greg has left for work & Gabe who's almost two years old, is still asleep. I see a tall building on fire on the screen & I'm thinking, why is there a movie on at this time in the morning instead of the news? Blurry eyed & barely awake, I stand there a bit longer trying to wrap my head around the images. I don't turn the sound up for some reason, but go instead to the phone & call a friend in town who doesn't have her TV on, so then call my friend Lori & she tells me that a plane has hit the World Trade Center. The TV stays on as I go about my day with Gabe & I stop in front of it every once in awhile, staring in disbelief at the screen.

The next evening, of September 12, is the first day of my fall Intro to Psychology class at the college where I teach. We skip orientation & go straight to the topic of P.T.S.D.

 

United 93 was made in 2006, so several years after the events of 9/11. No one else wanted to touch 9/11 with a movie until then. What remains intriguing to me about this film is that, wherever possible, actual participants from that day are used, like Air Traffic Controllers, Airport & Air Force staff, etc., plus well edited clips of real footage, resulting in a documentary style, real time format of events surrounding that day. Of course actors were used to witness as truthfully as possible what was  simultaneously happening on Flight 93 before passengers rushed the cock-pit & it crashed in to a field in Pennsylvania, before heading to the believed White House target. It's not an easy movie to watch, but it is also non-sensationalistic or anything other then tragically & realistically done.

I would also recommend 'The Man Who Knew', a more recent documentary on Frontline about former head of the FBI flagship anti-terrorism unit in NYC, John O'Neill. He investigated bombings of the U.S. embassies in Africa & USS Cole in Yemen & for six years he led the fight to track down Al Qaeda operatives throughout the world. His flamboyant style & obsession with Osama bin Laden soon made him a controversial figure inside the buttoned-down world of the FBI. Just two weeks before Sept. 11, O'Neill left the bureau to become head of security at the World Trade Center. He died rushing back into the towers to aid in rescue efforts. You can watch the entire documentary here.

http://video.pbs.org/video/1587879291/ 

Yolande Moreau: When the Sea Rises

I recently bought a small book about Cindy Sherman; performance artist/photographer, who transforms herself for the camera to expose the persona's women especially take on as part of our society at large. Her photos of herself are shocking, grotesque, vulnerable & tragic & take an enormous amount of gutsy risk, in my opinion.

Another woman who reminds me of Sherman in many ways is Yolande Moreau: a Belgian actress I've written about before as portraying Seraphina, a little know artist. I just watched her directorial debut made in 2006, called, When The Sea Rises. It's a tragic/comedy love story between Irene, a comedienne in her 40's, who is traveling through France with her one-woman show, 'Sale Affaire', (Dirty Business). She encounters Dries, a younger vagabond, who becomes smitten with her & her show. Although regular cell phone calls remind us she has a husband & child waiting at home, Irene becomes charmed by her ardent & tender admirer who is also a street performer as a 'Giant' in parades.

 

Here we see a woman who entertains the audience as a grotesque behind her mask, while she remains planted firmly in both worlds of performer & wife, (who picks out tiles for a home renovation with her husband). It's when she enters this relationship with a fellow performer that the lines between persona's become blurred. Very well done.

SOS: 1339!

I didn't like my son yesterday. For the second time since summer had started, I couldn't find him. The last time he was off on some trails not far from home with his little friend Gio, having a "BIG Adventure", while mom was canvasing the neighborhood. Two hours later, after his dad had shown up & my stomach was in a knot of bile, they came walking & laughing around the corner, while I collapsed down on the front lawn into a ball, sobbing my eyes out & howling like a fighting cat.

Yesterday, he grabbed his tin of Badagon trading cards to show Gio & I asked him, for the umpteenth time, what he would do if Gio wasn't home."Come right home mama!",  he threw over his shoulder as he hurried off. I had a lot to do & so about an hour later I drove around the corner to pick him up to run errands. He wasn't at Gio's. Nobody was. I drove slowly down & around the nearby streets, listening for his familiar laugh in other kids backyards. A half hour later I was calling 911. I couldn't go through this again & was scared, pissed off & frustrated. Three cars soon came & I told them what he was wearing, downloaded & printed off his latest picture & got permission to drive the 10 minutes down the road to his dad's house, because his phone was going to message AGAIN, which pissed me off even more. I pulled in the driveway, honking the horn & yelled out the window to him & my stepson while turning the car around & speeding off again."Get in your car NOW! Gabe is missing & the police are looking for him!!"

By the time I got back the police had found him, walking along a trail I had told them emphatically he would NOT be on, because it was too far from home. Of course I was relieved. I was also REALLY pissed now & that familiar exhaustion started settling in to my bones that had taken me days to get over last time; stick-your-finger-in-a-light-socket exhaustion. He was VERY sorry of course & so after I had collected myself a bit, we took off in the car to find his cards.

"Go to 1339, mama!" "What? I'll drive the car slowly Gabe & you tell me where to go." "It's 1339 mama!" We kept curving around streets until I was about ready to give up & start back towards home. "Down this street here mama; TURN!" I then started looking at the numbers on the houses & sure enough, when we pulled up to a small house, several blocks away from ours, there were the numbers 1339 on the awning. He got out, went up on the front porch & retrieved his cards like it was the most natural thing in the world.

Now, instead of being pissed, I was in awe. Although Gabe's will be 12 this December, his cognitive ability ranges between a 7 to a 9 year old, depending on the skill. He had gotten himself from Gio's, who wasn't home, down another street, on to a trail, turned a corner, went down another block & to '1339'. Those friends weren't home either, so forgetting the cards he had put down to ring their doorbell, he was returning home the same way he had come when found. The love I felt for him washed away all the dislike in that moment & instead, I felt very proud.

" We're a gender, not a genre."

Adele's success occurred simultaneously with several other British female soul singers, & the British press dubbed her the new Amy Winehouse. Adele called the comparisons between her & other female soul singers lazy, noting "we're a gender, not a genre."

Camille Claudel; French Sculptor

 Talented & ambitious French sculptor Camille Claudel caught the attention of legendary sculptor Rodin. Claudel eventually abandoned her work to assist the womanizing Rodin, becoming his muse and his lover. When the affair ended with Rodin refusing to give up his other women, mainly his common law wife, Claudel spun into an emotional turmoil that eventually lead to madness. Rodin condemned this sculpture done in her later years, claiming it would make HIM look bad & could ruin HIS career because Claudel looks so 'helpless'.  She spent the last 30 years of her life institutionalized. Noticing a pattern here? : /