Sunday, October 21, 2012

From Elephant to Raven

The Elephant has left the room & has been replaced by the Winter Raven. She sneaks inside as the sun fades to shadows & the fall dips towards winter. I like this particular raven image with spirals as her heart & under her feet on what looks like a lightning perch, where she's teetering a bit, like me.

I have suffered from clinical depression for as long as I can remember; the 'malady, disease, blues, swimming in mud or teetering on the abyss'. About 20 years ago I went to a GP doctor who also suffered & recognized my inner agony immediately. Two weeks & fourteen anti-depressants later, it was like I was living on another planet. While actually on this one, it was suddenly in color, focused, beautiful & recognizable, as the safe, good place I was supposed to be living in all along.

Now, at the end of short autumn days turning crisp, a small twinge starts in my gut & heart in anticipation of the setting in of cold & darkness & reminding me to up my med dose slightly to compensate. This usually isn't a big deal, as I've gone without insurance now for several years since being laid off from an insured job & am receiving free meds from the manufacturer.

A few months ago I learned I had been put on Medicaid because of my income, which seemed like a good deal as first. As soon as I attempted to get the same brand name meds through this government program however, doors started closing. Medicaid says I am taking too LITTLE to qualify as being "therapeutic". If I was taking MORE they would approve it, so they will only approve generics instead, which are NOT THE SAME & DO NOT WORK IN THE SAME WAY. Meanwhile, I'm in the middle of the lengthy process of doctor approval for Brand Name to Medicaid rejection & back to the manufacturer so I can keep getting what I was getting in the first place. I just paid $95 out of pocket for fourteen pills which I cannot afford. How does that make sense? Why did I even tell the drug company I was now getting Medicaid?

I'm not myself right now because I cannot afford to up my dose for winter. I'm wasting precious time that I could be spending with my son whom I can barely tolerate because I'm so anxious & depressed. Waiting....... waiting....... waiting........ for the bureaucratic wheels to turn in my favor so I can feel 'normal' again.

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